Since my meeting this afternoon was postponed until an undetermined time in the future, I have a bit of time to write up the events of the dowry ceremony before I forget them completely in the next few days due to old age and chronic lack of sleep.
I don’t always get lots of chances in Chad to attend cultural events like weddings and dowry ceremonies. I have a weird work/travel schedule. But I do like getting to be a part of these events because they’re usually interesting and fun. In this case, I didn’t just get to attend a dowry ceremony as the awkward foreign friend invited along to give her a bit of fun, but I was an active participant in the ceremony.
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The most difficult zipper to do by myself,
so I used a coat hanger. |
Some background: my friend and colleague, Emelie (mentioned frequently in this blog) is marrying an American who cannot be here in Chad due to coronavirus and other difficulties making it impossible for him to travel at the moment. As Emelie’s sole American friend in Chad, she asked me to stand in for her fiancé’s family. I would have attended with him as a sister if he could have come (we’ve met and we are friends in real life too), but she wanted me to stand in for his mother, as the dowry ceremony is more about families of the bride and groom than about the bride and groom themselves. So now I’m Emelie’s dowry mother in law, and I’ve been told she has to respect me. Apparently before it was optional, but now—I have power.
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Moussa and Nadji insisted on a pre-ceremony meeting the day before
the dôte to make sure we were ready. Joe attended because he takes these meetings very seriously. |
Lead up to the dowry ceremony involved Emelie bringing many things to my house—suitcases full of stuff, crates of bottled soda, money, etc. I also went to two meetings with her pastor. I had a dress made in fabric she chose and a design she chose as well. I was also warned strongly, after making too many jokes, not to say ANYTHING until I was told to, and then only to say what I was told. But I will say in spite of all of that, I did get to make a speech all by myself on the spot in 3 languages to WILD APPLAUSE. Wild. Applause. There were cheers and whistles. For real. I am THAT GOOD. At saying two sentences in Emelie’s tribal language. The rest of the speech was not important.
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| Pika inspecting the stuff while Lea is packing it up. |
The day of the dowry ceremony, I had the dress and the head wrap and permission to wear my own shoes (since I do not own any light purple heels, as previously established), but I realized that I do not know how to tie a head wrap. I made some attempts, documented them kindly to give some fodder to my friends and family for mocking me, and then called Emelie to ask if she could give me the phone number of a mutual friend who lived nearby to come help me tie up the hair. She reminded me that people from the office, including Marthe, were coming to my house to drive to her house together. I knew Marthe would be up to the task of fixing the head wrap, but before she could even get there, Nadji arrived with his wife and daughter, and his daughter Gloria fixed it right up. Marthe came along a bit later and tucked in bits and made it better, according to her. I just let them tie it on and wished I hadn’t washed my hair that morning because what is the point when it is going to be completely covered?
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My head wrap attempts: the undone topknot, the post-shower towel,
the pirate, the bunny rabbit |
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| Moussa overcome by how amazing my head wrap looked. |
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| Gloria hard at work |
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| She fixed it! |
I was told by Emelie that the ceremony started at 9:00. I told everyone to be at my house by 8:30. I myself was ready by 8:15. Moussa, also participating as an American because unexplainable reasons, was also ready and laughing at my attempt at a head dress. He said, “No, no really it looks great…” before collapsing on the couch laughing. I did not believe him. Nadji, Tabita and Gloria showed up around 8:40ish. Tabita widened her eyes at my head dress and immediately sent Gloria into action. Marthe showed up around 9:00, but apparently Dieudonne and Christian were also coming and we needed to wait for them. Also, I had thought that we were going to Emelie’s church, but no, we were going to her house, even though I know her pastor had told me the plan was to do it at the church. Emelie, “Of COURSE it’s at my house it CANNOT be at the church! Why do you not know that?” Me: “Oh maybe because I’m not from here and I don’t know everything!” Emelie had a couple of “dôte-zilla” moments (thanks to Naomi for coining the word from the French word for “dowry”), but it’s understandable considering the stress that comes from planning such events. She also yelled at me the day before for not having a photocopy of my passport to give to the guy coming from the city office as a witness, which apparently I should have KNOWN I needed in spite of never having been a representative in a dôte before. I was all ready to defend my ignorance and insist SHE should have told me a day earlier so that I could have been prepared, but before I could get to it, Moussa calmly took my passport and went to get it photocopied along with his ID since he also needed his for the ceremony. It’s really nice to have calm, patient people around when in the middle of stressful party planning. Anyway, don’t worry: Em and I are all good. And she has to respect me now because I’m her fake mother in law.
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| Selfies while we waited for everyone to arrive |
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The ladies
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At 9:00 when we should already have been at Emelie’s house for the ceremony, you would think that the one Westerner (I mean me) would be stressing about the lateness of our party’s imminent arrival at the other party’s party, but I wasn’t. This could be because I grew up in a culture where “jam karet” (“rubber time,” aka flexible timing) is a thing, and I rarely allow myself to be stressed out by the thought of arriving late (unless it’s to the airport). But actually, as I said to Nadji when he was concerned about time—“they can’t start without us! We are the ones bringing the stuff for the party!” And they all laughed and said I was right. Finally at 9:30 we all departed and made it to Emelie’s house before 10:00. I was driving so it could have been faster, but Nadji was in the back of my truck with three crates of glass soda bottles and I tried to be careful.
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| Packing up the truck to go to Emelie's |
When we got to Emelie’s house, the tent was up outside in her courtyard and the couch/thrones for the parents (including me!) were outside and about 50 of her family members were gathered around (I’m sure we were all less than 50 because of coronavirus rules, but I’m also sure that no one counted). We unloaded the stuff, and we (the ladies) all ululated and carried in the stuff where Emelie’s female relatives all took up the cry. Ululating is really fun, and I’ve always known I would be good at it, but it’s not something you can practice without looking like an idiot because you don’t just go around ululating for no reason. It’s not like whistling tunelessly under your breath while you’re working. It must be done at full volume. Technically there are people who do it at church, but never having been one to “Amen” the pastor in my own cultural context, I feel like ululating in church in this cultural context doesn’t fit my persona either, so like I said, I don’t have many opportunities to practice. Luckily, I have been genetically gifted with powerful lungs and the ability to make noise as needed. And in settings when it is actively encouraged, I can participate effectively.
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| Off-loading at Emelie's |
We put the stuff in the middle of the mat under the tent, and then Moussa and I took the Mother and Father of the groom thrones next to Emelie’s parents in the Mother and Father of the bride thrones. We sat there for a few moments of introductions by the MC, Florent (a cousin of Emelie’s whose wedding I went to last year). Then we were all invited down to sit together around a special carpet with some of Emelie’s male relatives. She doesn’t have any brothers so it was cousins who were there representing her. One of them I know and like, and the other I know and really have some serious issues with his behavior in the past, but for Emelie, who is wonderful, I played nice. Sometimes I can do that.
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| Emelie's parents in the thrones, plus her auntie |
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| The stuff with Florent as MC in the background |
We all sat around and there were speeches and prayers and the cousins gave their speeches in Guley, Emelie’s tribal language for her family. They translated to French after, as no one representing the groom’s side is from Emelie’s tribe. We were a group of Nanjere, Kwang, Ngambaye, Sarh, and Moundang, plus one American passport holder. All of our side speeched directly in French. And then they saved me for last, hoping that I would have learned a thing or two from listening to other people’s speeches. I gave my two sentences in Guley that I’ve been practicing to, as I mentioned before, WILD APPLAUSE. Then I told them since they speeched in Guley for their tribe, I would speech in English in honor of the Americans whom I represented, which I did, before finishing with a brief “petite résumé” en français at the end.
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| Sitting on the rug, ready for speeching |
After the speeches, there was a brief awkward pause when everyone looked pointedly at me, and I had no idea why. Tabita whisper-yelled at me to get the money, which I did. I handed over an envelope of money in local currency and in American dollars. I had a moment of panic that they were going to make a big deal that we hadn’t brought enough money. After all, Emelie’s family is quite large, and she’s important, and we hadn’t brought any cows with us, and what if I was supposed to bring a cow, but no one told me (like they didn’t tell me to bring a photocopy of my passport)? Tabita assured me that we were fine, that we had brought more than the amount required by law, and it would be ok. Emelie’s cousins, meanwhile, were struggling to count the US dollars. The cash was in various denominations and they kept coming up with different numbers, and no one asked me to help, so I figured I should stay out of it. Florent, the MC, while waiting for the counting, smirking into the crowd said “I guess counting American money is like counting votes in an American election—it must be done over and over again to get the right number.” I laughed for 10 minutes, but no one else seemed to get the joke. Florent appreciated my appreciation for his comedy. And by the time I was done laughing, the guys were done counting, and we moved on to the next portion of the ceremony.
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| Counting the money like votes in an American election (still funny) |
The bride’s attendants came out with a large wooden bowl that was empty. (Note: Emelie did not come out at all during the whole ceremony.) They said: “it is customary for us to bring out a bowl of water, and everyone drinks water from the bowl, but because of this covid-19, we are not going to do that. We have individual glasses of water for everyone.” So you see, Covid-19 awareness is really helping prevent the spread of communicable diseases through common water bowls at ceremonial events—not all bad! (Though I’ve frequently drunk from communal water bowls and never gotten sick—thanks, parents, for raising me in Indonesia with only half-hearted attempts to convince me to brush my teeth with filtered water and never drink from the tap.)
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| The attendants coming in with my cool new giant wooden bowl |
They handed the glasses to everyone, and I took a genteel sip, as befitted a genteel lady, before I noticed everyone else was drinking it down. So I chugged quickly to catch up, and put the empty glass on the table with everyone else like I knew I was supposed to do it all along.
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| Serving the water |
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Tabita got to drink from the little bowl,
which we all would have shared except that Covid has improved
our cultural hygiene |
The bridal attendants inspected the stuff in the suitcases (which I happen to know they bought and packed in the suitcases because they did it at my house), took the envelope with the money in it and went back to Emelie to discuss. Of course, they know that she knows everything that is there because she arranged for all of this stuff to be purchased and prepared. I realized after speaking with the ladies that it isn’t just because the fiancé isn’t here that Emelie knows everything that is in the bags. Even in a normal relationship where both members of the couple are in town, the woman goes to purchase the stuff while the fiancé trails behind her with the money. I don’t think these ladies trust their future husbands to give them the right kind of surprise at a serious ceremony like the dôte. I said, “So basically, at the ceremony you are approving stuff you already approved when you chose them at the market?” “Yes,” she said, smiling indulgently at me because I’m clearly ignorant.
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| Organizing all the stuff the day before the dôte at my house |
The ladies came back with the money and said, “While we would like to keep this money for ourselves, we leave it for the family, and instead we take this soap and perfume.” (The soap and perfume having been taken out of the front pocket where they had put it the previous day for easy access.) I’m guessing this is the traditional speech to make at that time. To my understanding, the next day, Emelie’s family and any unmarried girls from the fiancé’s family (sorry to all of them who are in the US), come together at Emelie’s house to take presents from the suitcases, which were full of shoes, make up, cloth, soap, perfume, sugar, and other stuff I can’t remember. I wasn’t allowed to go because I was the fiancé’s mother, but I’m sure it was a lot of fun.
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| Emelie's parents--isn't her dad cool with his walking stick and his hat! |
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The adorable Daniela, daughter of Emelie's cousin,
the equivalent of a flower girl, I guess.
She knows she's cute and she knows how to work the camera!
We love her. |
After the bridal attendants went back to Emelie’s room, we all prayed and ululated again. Speeches were made about the unity of our families forever, and I was given the large wooden bowl (placed on my head), and we danced out the front gate. Then, we broke protocol and danced back in to see Emelie, which isn’t tradition, but we are all her friends and wanted to see her. We danced around with her in her room for a bit. She looked amazing, hair and make up and pretty dress and I hope that she went out later to celebrate with her family because it seems like a waste to keep her hidden when she looks THAT GOOD (unless that was the point?).
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| I love this photo of Emelie because she is so full of joy and we were laughing and dancing |
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| This one shows off the dress more though |
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| Blurry dancing photo from Moussa, I think |
We didn’t stay long with Emelie. We piled back into the truck and drove to our office, followed by Emelie’s family members bringing food for us. We wanted to have the party in the office so that all of our colleagues who had to work and couldn’t come with us (it was a Friday) could eat with us. Traditionally the food comes to the fiancé’s family house.
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| It's over! We finished our duties and we are off to get some food! |
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| Lea dropped off the food at the office for us |
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| It was very delicious! |
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| All gathered around the food |
It was delicious food, but I knew we wouldn’t have enough plates sent by Emelie’s family, so I waited to make sure everyone had plates, and then I got an extra plate from our office kitchen and joined in. Kadessou (the new Chadian Country Director) asked me, “Amanda, how long have you been in Africa?” I said, “I first moved to South Sudan in 2013.” He said, “Oh, you seem like someone who was born here. You really get us.” And I think that was the best compliment I had all day. Better than wild applause. And I am thankful for my strange, international, multicultural upbringing that has led to to this strange, international, multicultural family that I have.
And now some more photos, grâce à Moussa for those who made it this far and are still interested:
