The Qat Revolution

In light of the reported impending violence in Yemen, I think it’s time to share a little of my experiences regarding the upcoming end of Ali Abdullah Salah’s reign in Yemen. First, most of the concern for Yemen’s security comes from the West, especially the media and bored NGO security advisers who are all secretly hoping something will happen so that their jobs will get more exciting. Sadly, they aren’t really paying attention to crucial aspects o Yemeni culture, such as prime qat-chewing hours (evening and late afternoon) and a general lack of unity amongst the Yemeni people themselves, most of whom cannot agree on whether or not Ali AS is a good guy, a bad guy, or better than any other alternative or if the South will/should rise again. But the media and security experts everywhere are correct that if anything happened it would be bad. Yemenis wear their Kalashnikovs slung around their shoulders like gangster rappers wear large ostentatious gold necklaces. Just like the average citizen of the 21^st century grabs his cell phone before heading out the door, a Yemeni man picks up his gun or his knife in case of emergency. So if any one or two groups did manage to stir up some emotion that could last more than 24 hours without a qat break, there is a high possibility that Yemeni protests would make Egyptian protests look like they had been organized by Gandhi and Mother Theresa come back from their respective graves.

In light of this information, NGOs in Yemen are prepared to evacuate their personnel as necessary. Consequently, I have been forced to come back to Aden every weekend instead of staying in the camp where I want to visit some refugees and watch my friend’s goat have its baby. If something were to happen here, I would be safer in the camp because the riots would happen in the city, but I would be far away from the airport and that would not be ideal. So I obligingly came back to Aden at the emphatic request of my boss and sat in my apartment to enjoy unlimited internet and a clear view of the street where riots are supposed to happen. Last night I got a call from Khaled warning me to stay in the house because guns were going to be fired. I was fine with that because I was already scandalously attired in my tiny shorts and that would be inappropriate for attending a riot. I ended up going to bed early, a luxury I enjoy in Aden, but I heard shots and car horns a while later so I went to my window to see all the fun. Besides, I have never been adept at sleeping with lots of loud noises all around me.

I was a little disappointed in the view, I must admit…probably the same feelings that the media and NGO security advisers are feeling. There were maybe 10 cars driving around in a circle, honking their honks and yelling. There were some shots being fired, but all in all, it was more like a Lebanese wedding than a riot. Furthermore, everyone else on the street was completely unconcerned by the “chaos”. The stores were still open and kids were riding their bikes outside. The qat-chewers hanging out beside the road in their skirts and turbans continued their conversation which I’m sure went something like this (speaking around the bulge of qat in their cheeks, of course):

“Nice night for a riot.”

“Not bad, not bad.”

“Just those 10 cars making that loud honking noise? Impressive. Wonder where the driver got his qat?”

“You know how qat gives you so much alertness and energy? I am feeling good right now. I could sit here all night chewing-- that’s how alert and full of energy I am.”

“Yeah. Me too. Yemen is the greatest country in the world.”

As you can see from that authentic Yemeni conversation (translated and paraphrased by yours truly), the denizens of this country are doing fine. Just in case of a post-Friday-prayer riot at the big mosque across the street from my house, the government kindly provided several police cars filled with heavily armed soldiers and two camouflaged trucks with antiaircraft guns and snow plows (just in case!) that could barely be seen thanks to their clever paint job.

So all you people safe in snowy America (or somewhere else not as awesome as Yemen), don’t worry for me. I’m protected on many many levels. And I’m about to go running in the mountains and swimming in the sea so you see, Yemen IS the greatest country in the world. If any of you get tired of snow, come visit. Yemen will show you a good time.