Natural Remedies for Common Ailments (Unsolicited Free Medical Advice)

Introduction: This blog is usually an in depth look at complex aspects of human nature, specifically the complex aspects of me, my friends, my acquaintances, and people I make snap-judgements about based on how I'm feeling that day and what they are wearing and if they are standing in my way as I try to walk through the airport. But today this just became a helpful blog about natural remedies for common ailments in the modern age.  This is important because I know you guys aren't all eating organic vegetables that you grow yourself (though I am) and you're probably knowingly and unknowingly ingesting chemicals through pills and various other substances that surround you in your life (I'm ingesting lots of diesel fumes because I'm in Khartoum right now). Before reading this post, I'm sure that you never thought there was another way to deal with the pain of headaches and stomachaches that didn't involve chemicals in the forms of complicated medicines that will inevitably cause you to grow an extra elbow on your chin or cause some other horrible deformity, but, thanks to me and my complex human nature, you will have a completely natural, completely fool-proof, completely free (100% guarantee or your money back) method for dealing with pain in either your head or your stomach.



Disclaimer: It has been said that I have the nutritional instincts of a 6 year old…or anyway I just made that up. But I think it's true, as I believe a breakfast of Haribo Smurf Gummies is perfectly acceptable, and sometimes I just have chips and coke for dinner. But it is always diet coke and children shouldn’t drink diet drinks, so you see—I have a dash of 30 year old instincts in there too.

Despite what you my think about my nutritional instincts, I’m going to impart some very important medical advice to you right now. First of all, as I said before, pills and drugs are overrated. There is almost always a natural way to solve all of your aches and pains. According to the Facebook newsfeed, one primary way to make sure that you remain disease-free and perfectly beautiful at all times is by using various kinds of expensive oils. I also have friends who swear by the power of Massage and/or Acupuncture (yes, I grew up in Asia). And, of course, as I told you before, the South Sudanese are firm believers in the healing powers of lemons.

Personally, I think most sicknesses are basically all in your head, and you just need to rise above the pain and stop being a whiner, but here are a couple of my favorite handy remedies to help you rise above two specific frequently occurring common ailments involving nothing more than a device (previously charged by electricity) that allows one to listen to music and the ability to download songs from the internet legally or “illegally,” depending on your preference and location (also, it’s best to plan ahead and download these musics when you have electricity):

• To cure a headache, listen the Ramones. Anything by the Ramones will help you feel better, but if you are not familiar with their work, try “Bonzo Goes to Bitberg” or “I Wanna Be Sedated.” “Rockaway Beach” or “Judy is a Punk” can also be good choices.

• And for stomachaches, you can’t go wrong with a little Rachmaninov, specifically “Piano Concerto No. 3 – Allegro Ma Non Tanto.” Since that lasts more than 15 minutes, if your stomachache is not better by the end, you probably have appendicitis and that really does need surgery, so in that case, don’t try to rise above it with the power of your mind, unless your mind has the ability to perform surgery on yourself. Then go right ahead.

Rachmaninov has a headache because the
Ramones didn't exist when this photo was taken (probably).
Also, imagine Rach in tight jeans, a leather jacket,
and a crop top with longer hair--he could TOTALLY be a Ramone.

These methods have been tested multiple times, only on humans (don’t worry, PETA), and they have 100% success rate for all test subjects. Just try it once and you will be hooked for life. Money-back guarantee! Unless you bought the music, and then no…but really you should already own music by the Ramones and Rachmaninov, so--you're welcome.

FREE MEDICAL ADVICE!

Again, you’re welcome, Readers (i.e. Mom, stop taking all those headache pills. I know you will love the Ramones).

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Dr. Me

It's legit.