The Single Ladies Package

When I come to Ranchi for work, I usually stay in a church guest house. Ok, until now, I have always stayed in that church guest house. And I don’t mind. It’s rustic, but I know the people and they’re sweet and we speak Hindi together somehow.  I do admit that this last time I was less excited about being there. It was Diwali and the air was filled with fireworks and loud talking, and my windows wouldn’t close, so it was noisy and cold and filled with mosquitos. Fortunately, I am great at rigging up the mosquito netting and I had mosquito repellent sprayed all over my hands and feet (the most likely part of me to get stuck out of the mosquito net at night while I’m sleeping), so that wasn’t the worst. Actually, the worst was that there was no hot water, and it is now cold in Ranchi. So I was thinking about how bad it would look for me not to shower for a week…and then I broke an app on my iPad so I knew that I needed wireless internet to fix it because the point of my having this iPad is to use this app to document stuff in the field, and I’d already made my coworker in the States make me a special form to document this week’s trip. So I asked the head of the guest house and church, a jolly Indian man whom I love, where I can get wireless in Ranchi. I was informed that the Capital Residency Hotel was the only place and I would have to spend the night there. So he packed me up and sent me over.

And here I am and it is a FANCY hotel. I was greeted by 10 people at the door with “Namastes” and “Hello Madams.” They all wore festive uniforms. I was served a special green drink which I hoped was mint lemonade like I used to drink in Yemen. But it was some horrible salty mango juice drink which I could not choke down.

After I checked in, I went to my room, and I had a call on the phone. Here is a transcript of our call.

Reception: You checked in as a single lady. We must give you the single lady package.

Me (having lived too long in the Middle East, thinking that I was going to have to register specially as some kind of unmarried woman without an escort): Um...what?

Reception: The single lady package! We must give to you.

Me (still uncertain and slightly concerned): What is the single lady package?

Reception: We have a bag to give you and we must change your sheets.

Me (thinking that the room looked immaculate and the sheets were very clean and tucked in extra-tight, hotel-style so that it takes all your strength remaining from a hard day of work to rip them back enough to crawl in): What's wrong with my sheets?

Reception: You are a single lady. You must have pink sheets.

Me: Uh...no...I don't need pink sheets. These white sheets are fine.

Reception: No, we will change.

Me: No. I do not need it. I like white.

Reception: What about Single Lady package? Can we bring you the bag?

Me: Sure, whatever. I really need a toothbrush. Can you bring me a toothbrush? (I forgot mine and I'd been using my finger since all the stores were closed because of Diwali).

Reception: Oh Madam, dental kit costs 30 rupees. 

Me: Fine. I need it.

Reception: Can we come and bring Single Lady Package?

Me: OK. Thik hai.

Ten minutes later there is a knock at the door and a lady arrives carrying the dental kit, a receipt for me to sign, and a fancy travel bag full of must-haves for Single Ladies: pads (of course), nail polish, nail polish remover, a thing like a knife which I assume is a fancy nail file, fingernail clippers in the shape of a foot with sparkles on it (I love it), Nivea strawberry lip gloss (I may love this more than the sparkly foot), tweezers, hair ties, hair pins, and a brown eye pencil with the brand "Eastern Girl." Apparently, I am not an Eastern Girl because I tried it and it looked horrible on me. Turns out it's more orangey than brown. Doesn't go well with blue, although I'm thinking there may be some college football team that has that unfortunately color mix (maybe Emily Seymour can fill me in on that). Anyway, being my father's daughter, I love free stuff, and I'll TAKE it.

And besides the cook gift bag and overpriced “Dental Kit,” the wireless internet is working and as I mentioned, I needed it to make this important app on my new fancy ipad work...I needed to make it work because somehow I'd already made it stop working…and I still don’t know how. I’m really not the best candidate for fancy electronic equipment, and I’m kind of amused that Neverthirst has made me “that girl.” You know, the one with a MacBook Pro, iPad, kindle, Zune (yes, I have a Zune because I have middle child syndrome which pushes me to be unique at all times, and I admit that it was a bad decision because I needed a new charger cord and I had to buy it on Amazon because Zune is not being made anymore and so you can’t buy the accessories in stores), and two cameras. And currently, I’m also traveling with a projector. And I have all the cords and a multi-plug extension cord to go with all of them.  So it is a good thing that I am traveling by train this time and not airplane (see my last blog post if you are confused about that).

I have one more day here, and then back to my new home where I’m still trying to settle in and avoid hitting cows with my bicycle. And today when I got back from a successful trip with my fully-functioning iPad, I noticed that my room has been pinked. Yes, it has. The sheets are pink, the towels in my bathroom are pink. There are two new washcloths in my bathroom that weren’t there before and they are both pink. And greatest of all, the towel that I’d left hanging over the back of the chair was turned pink and rolled into the shape of any elephant.

The Single Ladies Package

Single Ladies -- Do not listen to Beyonce’s nonsense about “putting a ring on it.” Come to the Capital Residency Hotel in Ranchi, and enjoy the Single Lady Package.

It's so easy a baby can use it--actually the baby is teaching me how to use it in this photo.